I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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