I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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