dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
