she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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