2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
