I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
