frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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