Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
