I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
