i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
