Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
