My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
