so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
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i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
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Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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