Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
