My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
