Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
