I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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