if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
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