Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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