May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
