A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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