Well douche your snatch and let's go!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
