There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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