Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We don't watch enough power rangers
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
