Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
