I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
