Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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