I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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