apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
