Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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