matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
