i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
