its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
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He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
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You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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