i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
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Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
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There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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