would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
