i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
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