Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
