You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
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Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
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Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?