But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.