I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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