You made me cry and you don't even care
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
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