just come out here and I will go home with you...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
