MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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