Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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