filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
