I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Randomize
