Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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