What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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