My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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