I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
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Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
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On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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