Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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