I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
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how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
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She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.