No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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