My underwear smells like fireworks.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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