I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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