dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
