Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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