WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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